January 2009
22 posts
Things I need to do in order to get a boyfriend
1) Drugs. People who do a lot of drugs always have boyfriends. If I were really into heroin, I would need someone in cahoots with me in order to justify my addiction and participate in various erratic behaviors. His name would probably be Pockets and on Friday nights we would drink Jack Daniels, take Ecstasy and break into fancy apartment buildings to have sex in the hallways. Saturdays would be...
Today I started to write a very clever and irreverent post entitled “Things I need to do in order to get a boyfriend”. It was going to be chock full of hilarious things. Then I got sidetracked reading Lost blogs and synopses and commentaries and theories.
FOR 4 HOURS.
Any guesses on what the #1 “thing I need to do in order to get a boyfriend” is going to be?
Making Love - Redefined
In the backseat of the car, holding hands with my Nana Vera.
Nana: I like making love to you
Me: Nana, that sounds dirty.
Nana: When I say that, people think I am being provocative, but I am making love to you. I love you. We are making love.
“I’m gonna lose 40 pounds so I can look like an 11 year old and beat them at their own game.” Marisa, in response to the too-adorable-for-their-own-good twelve year olds in this post on Style Rookie.
Amanda and Jennie Interviewed for LAist! →
Comment section! Happy now, mom?
The Showgirl Must Go On →
When I saw this I nearly plotzed. Affirming my theory that I am either a gay man or a 75 year old Jewish woman who wears nylon track suits. If you have $300 to spare and want to take me to this, I will give you sweet sweet lovin (providing I can eat a corned beef sandwich on rye before, during and after our lovemaking and you don’t so much mind my meatsweats)
Watchsitko:
This song blows my mind… I have to dance anytime I hear it.
Ditto. This song makes me want to be drunk at 8pm in a field during summer.
WatchWho’s Gonna Save My Soul? Indeeeeeed
Confessions
For the past three nights, I have slept next to a massive pile of clean/dirty clothes because I have been too tired/lazy to put them away/wash them.
The pile takes up over half the bed and makes it hard for me to move my legs and arms. Occasionally a piece of the pile (sock, pajama pants, dryer sheet) will fall on the floor and I will pick it up and place it back on the bed.
Last night I got...
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of a person driving in their car and I feel very bad for them. Some people look so sad all by themselves. Sometimes I try to make very intense eye contact to silently and meaningfully convey that everything will be all right. Usually that doesn’t work and I end up looking very constipated.
Yesterday I saw two such people.
I saw an old man who had just gotten a...
Since the new year began, I have been systematically rebelling against being at work in the following ways:
1) Not giving my bosses their messages
2) Rolling my eyes a lot behind people’s backs
3) Coming in late
This morning it backfired when I got yelled at for being late, then yelled at again for not giving my boss a “very important message” and then told I needed to look...
Things I will be doing to become a very cool...
1) Learn palm reading
2) Learn break dancing
3) Stare very knowingly into your eyes and automatically know the real you.
